Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

If you are in your 30s or 40s and was into computer games (like myself), you will remember that one of the hottest games out there was Street Fighter II. What you probably didn’t know is that there was a Church Edition of the game. To see some of the best highlights, look at the video below. Enjoy

On a serious note, if you think I am mocking those who are being ‘slain in the spirit’, that’s because I don’t believe in it. To understand my views, click here

If like me. you have a background in the black church, you will know that dancing and shouting is part and parcel of a normal Sunday service. As you watch these two videos, I’m sure you will recognise a member of your congregation. Enjoy

Part 1

Part 2

I used to contribute regularly on a forum and we discussed christianese. Some of some of the christianese phrases

  • Touch five people and say…….”
  • Backbenched!
  • Can I get a witness
  • Can somebody give me an AMEN
  • Ahhhhhhh I wish I had a church that could……………….
  • Y’all not hearing me!
  • I’m preaching so good today im gonna have to get my own tape.
  • Turn to your neighbour and say…..neighbour (fill in the blanks)
  • I can’t get no one to say Amen to that…..followed by prompt amens.
  • I see that hand
  • Give the Lord a hand clap……………
  • Speak it into existence……..
  • You don’t know what Im talkin bout (followed by shouts of amen etc)
  • If just one person would come and receive……….
  • I am blessed and highly flavoured!”
  • “When i used to be in the world”…………….non-Christian hears and looks puzzled
  • I think it’s funny when people say ‘praise the Lord’ out of habit like… “I was driving my car, praise the Lord and I stopped at the traffic lights, praise The Lord, and the guy in the next car swore at me for stopping so fast, praise the Lord…” lol! They put it in the funniest places sometimes

 Do you have some other phrases? Please share

I saw this on the internet and had to confess that I was guilty of  some of these. Have you? Take a read:

Like most groups, Christians have a specialized language and terminology for those who are truly “in the know”. Don’t be an outsider! Learn these special deeply meaningful Christianese terms and phrases so you, too, can be spiritual! Or at least sound that way.

 

Christianese: “If it be God’s will.”

Translation: “I really don’t think God is going to answer this one.

 

Christianese: “Let’s have a word of prayer.”

Translation: “I am going to pray for a long, long, long time.”

 

Christianese: “That’s not my spiritual gift.”

Translation: “Find someone else.”

 

Christianese: “Fellowship”

Translation: “Organized gluttony.”

 

Christianese: “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

Translation: “I’m totally clueless.”

 

Christianese: “Lord willing . . .”

Translation: “You may think I’ll be there, but I won’t.”

 

Christianese: “I don’t feel led.”

Translation: “Can’t make me.”

 

Christianese: “She has such a sweet spirit!”

Translation: “What an airhead!”

 

Christianese: “I have a ‘check’ in my spirit about him.”

Translation: “I can’t stand that jerk!”

 

Christianese: “Prayer concerns”

Translation: “Gossip”

 

Christianese: “In conclusion . . . “

Translation: “I’ll be done in another hour or so.”

 

Christianese: “You just have to put it in God’s hands.”

Translation: “Don’t expect me to help you.”

 

Christianese: “God wants to prosper you!”

Translation: “Give me all your money.”

According to United By One

A series of online videos showing Christians caught in the ‘spirit’  ‘dancing to drum & bass’ have upset a number of believers.

The Baptazia videos from the Super Sunday series posted on YouTube by UK’s ‘Airloaf’ synch drum & bass / Jungle music with footage of church services.

Clips mainly show Black Christians caught up in the spirit dancing and jumping around to the sound of drum and base music….

…A number of Christians have been offended calling for the videos to be removed, according to online reports.

I am not going to lie. I think these videos are hilarious . I know. I’m a sinner and need to repent :-) . Maybe I find this funny because this is the background that I came from so I know all the steps. CAN I GET A WITNESS??  Touch your neighbor and tell them “I know them steps” LOL

Check out a couple of the videos

I saw this video and for some reason it made me just stop and think and it also made me chuckle. Have a watch

Maybe its just me and maybe I think too deep sometimes, but I watched it and thought how good God was that he could allow Matt to have this fun in so many different countries. Also to see so many nationalities in the video made me thank God also. I hope you enjoyed this video as much as I did

Courtesy of Bro Melvin of Pulpit Pimps, this is the new publication from P.I.M.P Ministries that we have all been waiting for. Click on the thumbnail image to get a look at the new book, “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies [Third edition] from P.I.M.P Temple Press.

Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people to think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information, and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grow? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you be reaching Bid Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other book (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner.

OK, there’s one more courtesy of Sicarii

The Master Pastor

The Master Pastor represents all faiths and one God. Even the devil loves this kind of religion! Is this going to save the world?

Related Posts:

A Week of Humour – Day 1: Prosperity Praise

A Week Of Humour – Day 2: Me Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 3: Me Worship for the ‘Me’ Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 4: The Drive-Through Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 5: Smoker’s Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 6 : Real Preachers of Genius: Mr Seeker Sensitive Mega-Church Pastor

A Week Of Humour – Day 7 : Real Preachers of Genius: Mr Really Bad Preacher

Real Preachers of Genius – Mr. Really Bad Preacher

HT: Reformation Nation

Well there you have it. I hope you have enjoyed this week of humour but as funny as these sketches are, they all have some truth in them. I pray that churches will seek to recover the gospel which is so missing today

Related Posts:

A Week of Humour – Day 1: Prosperity Praise

A Week Of Humour – Day 2: Me Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 3: Me Worship for the ‘Me’ Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 4: The Drive-Through Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 5: Smoker’s Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 6 : Real Preachers of Genius: Mr Seeker Sensitive Mega-Church Pastor

Real Preachers of Genius: Mr. Seeker Sensitive Mega-Church Pastor

Tired of the gimmicks… and the hawaiian shirts in church? The “me-centered” gospel is bringing in the people, but where does it lead to? There must be something more!

HT: Reformation Nation

Related Posts:

A Week of Humour – Day 1: Prosperity Praise

A Week Of Humour – Day 2: Me Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 3: Me Worship for the ‘Me’ Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 4 : The Drive Through Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 5 : Smoker’s Church

A Week Of Humour – Day 7 : Real Preachers of Genius: Mr Really Bad Preacher