Courtesy of Bro Melvin of Pulpit Pimps, this is the new publication from P.I.M.P Ministries that we have all been waiting for. Click on the thumbnail image to get a look at the new book, “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies [Third edition] from P.I.M.P Temple Press.

Pulpit Pimping for Dummies

Take your ministry to the next level. Walk in divine prosperity. Get the break through you keep promising the sheeple. Drive the best cars, live in the biggest house, fly the best planes and patronize the best restaurants.

The Dummies guide tells you how to convince people to give you more money than they can afford to give you. But not only that, it teaches you how to make those people to think you are doing them a favor by taking the money. We give you the secrets for convincing people to pay you their tithes BEFORE they pay their rent or electric bill. Do you want to make people financially dependent on you? We’ll tell you how.

You want to be worshiped as if you are the Christ? The Dummies guide teaches you how to walk, talk, and threaten so that even the most stubborn (though stupid) sheeple will be willing to quote you rather than the Bible.

Are there people in your congregation who regularly disagree with you and base that disagreement on an accurate understanding of Scripture? The Dummies guide gives you foolproof instructions on how get them out of your congregation and how to make the sheeple believe they are being obedient to God when they turn their backs on the rebel.

Once you begin to read the book and practice the techniques it promotes, you should see an almost immediate increase in your income. Tip toeing around you should increase by at least twenty percent – from the first week of practicing what the book preaches.

How do you intimidate without appearing to be doing so? It’s in there.

How do you get the congregation to buy you a house bigger than the apartment buildings most of your congregants live in? It’s in there.

Maybe you want to be the top earner in your state? Just like the rest of the stuff you want to do – it’s in there.

“Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” provides you all the information, and all the guidance you need to apply the information to get to where you want to be, to get what you want out of life, to rake in as much money, cars and other stuff as you want.

There’s even a special Scumbag section that has tons of information on how the best of the scumbags get away with sexual harassment and abuse, spanking, raping, incest and just plain fooling around with some of the Gospel groupies. We tell you how to intimidate folks to keep silent, what Scriptures to use to keep the sheeple thinking they should feel bad about doubting whatever you tell them, and how to make sure you are repeating “touch not God’s anointed” often enough to be effective but not often enough to lessen the impact.

What are the five characteristics of a worship leader that will make sure your offering always grow? They’re in there.

How do you pick the right men as deacons or elders to make sure you can take the church in whatever direction you want? Yep. It’s in there.

Want to know how to talk your way around the clear teaching against co-pastors, female pastors and bishops, or female elders? You guessed it. It’s in there.

If you order “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” today, you will be on your way to becoming the top dog in your community. And before too long, you be reaching Bid Dogdom in your county and state. With a consistent application of the material, you could even end up on TBN and other venues for increasing your fame and ability to rake in money.

Here are some unsolicited testimonies from folks who have followed the advice in my book:

“I was having trouble getting the congregation to just buy me a new suit. But once I started following the advice of “P-P for Dummies” they not only buy me suits now, they even buy me cars. I had to build a new garage to handle all the overflow.” – Bishop Gary Hawkins

“I thought Pastor Melvin was crazy the first time I read his book. But after growing the church from eight people who wanted to follow Christ to 5,600 people willing to follow me any where, and give me anything, I recommend the book. Sure Melvin’s crazy – crazy like a fox.” – Bishop Eddie Long

“I went from a traditional Baptist church with two hundred families housed in a dinky little building in the center of Glenarden Maryland, to more than 7,000 members housed in mega church structure costing more than $55 million dollars. And I convinced everyone to build it in the middle of nowhere. Thanks “P-P for Dummies!” John K. Jenkins

“It’s hard to believe that people can be manipulated so easily. The stuff Melvin shared in the book works on television and over the internet just as well as it does in a church building. I would never have been able to get that second jet, the Citation, without his advice.” Ken Copeland

“Melvin helped me to understand that it doesn’t matter what you preach, whether you deny the diety of Jesus or the effectiveness of His death on the cross. He showed me how to get a really great business jet, residences in several cities, including New York City, and a load of cash like you wouldn’t believe. If you want to be the best Pulpit Pimp you can be, buy Melvin’s book. It will pay for itself by the next time you take up an offering using his advice.” Creflo Dollar

These are just some of the testimonies people have written in, proving that “Pulpit Pimping for Dummies” is a valuable tool for you to add to your preaching toolbox. With the added income practically guaranteed, you’ll be able to buy all those other book (commentaries, bible dictionaries and crap) so you can impress the one or two sheeple you occasionally allow into your house.

Order it now. Get your break through. Be the best pimp you can be with no more effort than it takes to go out to dinner.

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Comments
  1. Isaiah says:

    Just the book I’ve been waiting for! Where can I place an order?

    Wait, hold on…

    Will I get a hundred-fold blessing for sowing into this book?

  2. Alan Higgins says:

    Isaiah, the book is actually free……after you have sown that firstfruit seed 😉

  3. Isaiah says:

    That doesn’t answer the question… is it a hundred-fold return? Coz I really need them blessings, y’know?

    Free is them cakes, donuts and Starbucks coffee after the service, mate!

    😉

  4. Alan Higgins says:

    Of course its a hundred-fold return. (Alan says, telling Isaiah what he wants to hear 😉 ) That book is having an affect on me already 😀

  5. Melvin Jones says:

    Actually, the return can be a hundred fold, a thousand fold, or more. It all depends on how well you use the book. One of my disciples went from earning forty thousand a year and living in a townhouse and driving a hoopty, to making more than five hundred thousand a year. living in a mansion. He also owns the mansion next to his and another three houses in another state. You tell me, didn’t he get more than a hundred fold blessing?

    How crooked is your heart? How greedy are you for earthly treasure? Those are the only things that will determine how much money you can make.

    Send cash or a certified check to:

    Melvinite Temple Pimpistries
    12456 Anathema Lane
    Bowie, MD 29786

  6. Alan Higgins says:

    Bro Melvin, you are a joker

  7. Douglas K. Adu-Boahen says:

    You one cruel guy Bro. Mel :D…and Alan – you’ve gravitated to the dark side LOL. I’m sure one day they’ll have the audacity to release a book like this for real

  8. Isaiah says:

    Woah, great teacher Melvin! Is that what your “Jesus” gives? Man, I want some of that! When’s your altar call? Oh, and I want it guilt-free, nothing of those confess my sins type, alright?

  9. Yes Melvin is more sarcastic than me by far. Got to love the man and his humor. GOD bless all

  10. Melvin Jones says:

    By the way Isaiah, guilt-free is no problem. If you conscience is seared enough, you more than qualify to use the book. And it requires a completely sear conscience to make the most of the instructions in the book. If you’re not sold out to earthly treasures, the book will not do you a bit of good.

    However, send your money in anyway. I’ll send you the book and you can try it out. I can’t give you a refund if you do have a conscience, but you can probably get some of your money back if you sell it to someone else.

  11. Erica says:

    It’s amazing to me how many people believe that they know so much about certain pastors personal finances enough to comment on them. I suppose it is only fair though, as all people have their own opinions about everything and doctrine is a hot button topic among several different denominations. I guess its just funny that we as Christians are basically sustaining injuries from friendly fire. I’m sure it saddens our Father in heaven as well. My view is that if you see a brother or sister err, you should be moved with compassion to pray for his/her soul not point and laugh and sneer. But like I said earlier, everyone has their own opinion I suppose.

  12. Alan Higgins says:

    Erica, if you look at my series on false teachers/teaching, you will see at the end of each one, I have noted that we should pray for them. The series starts at https://realchristianity.wordpress.com/2007/11/12/the-marks-of-false-christian-teaching-and-teachers-part-1/

  13. cbgrace says:

    I found myself believing this is a real book. I mean, if someone thought they could really get away with this, I think they would write it!

  14. Pilgrim says:

    Alan:

    I thought this might be interesting to your readers.

    I recently featured a Pulpit Pimp from Tennessee on my blog and then received an e-mail from an anonymous representative from this wolf’s “ministry” threatening me with litigation for having their pictures featured in my post.

    Here’s the original post (minus the pictures of course):
    http://reformationnation.wordpress.com/2008/03/27/fleecing-the-flock-in-tennessee/

    And here’s the threat-mail I received:
    http://reformationnation.wordpress.com/2008/04/02/reformation-nation-receives-threat-mail-from-prophet-woody-ministries/

    Never Compromise!
    – The Pilgrim from http://www.reformationNation.net

  15. Alan Higgins says:

    Thanks for this Pilgrim.

  16. Joh says:

    Ahhhhhhhhh but Melvin???? do we get a cute wife like Gloria Copeland thrown in as part of the deal??;)

  17. mbh says:

    I like that it’s Pulpit Pimping for Dummies.

  18. Melvin Jones says:

    By the way Joh – if the book works, you can afford the plastic surgery to make your eye candy LOOK as good as Gloria.

  19. Mickey says:

    Unfortunately, more truth than fiction here. Love the book. You should sow a seed into MY life and give me a FREE copy. You will recieve a billion fold blessing. Ooops – I should start out million and work my way up each year with a “new” revelation for this “now” moment. Jesus please forgive us and help us ! 🙂

  20. mitchell says:

    I have never in my life worshipped a preacher, pastor, minister or evangelist. Just because god is not striking these people down for using the word of god for self gain: doesn’t mean that they will not be held accountable for destroying peoples souls with their greedy lies. If the word of god is only for a preacher and his cronies, than I will never trust the word of god again. Keep playing people with god’s word and one day you are going to burn like crispy bacon in hell. For all the people that hold up this foolishness, get ready because you will be right with them burning in hell.

  21. AT says:

    We had Jaunita Bynum come to my FORMER church yrs ago and she spent the entire time talking about her 2 houses in some magazine. Then she had everyone in her entourage stand up and tell what kind of vehicle they drove. So she proceeded to “prophecy” how there were sixty something people (can’t remember number) that were supposed to bring $1000 dollars to the front. She said “you know how you know if it’s you, if you got $1000, then it’s you” After that, she said everyone else in the church should bring $100 each up. What’s amazing is how she really convinced a lot of people (not me) to give her everything they had and to feel that if they didn’t they were disobeying God. She racked up that night! People were lined up around that building bringing money to this hypnotizing false prophetess. This American Christianity is going to come to a sudden halt when God finally gets fed up!!

    • John says:

      Some of us are already operating in the Underground Church – like this web site is doing!
      (Guess He’s already tipping of some of us off!)

  22. Tom says:

    where can i get this book? i would love to do this ministry right. pimping jesus awesome. tom

  23. Anonymous says:

    I AGREE WITH MOST EVERYTHING YOU SAY, BUT YOU FORGET ONE THING WHICH IS THAT PEOPLE FOR THE MOST PART GET THE KIND OF CHURCH LEADERSHIP, SPOUSE OR GOVERNMENT THEY DESERVE BECAUSE THEY ARE ATTRACTED TO THESE PULPIT PIMPS FOR A REASON.
    THE TRUTH IS AVAILABLE BUT THERE ARE NONE SO BLIND THAN THOSE WE REFUSE TO SEE.
    I THINK EVERYTIME WE TALK ABOUT WORD OF FAITH USING THOSE WORDS IT GIVES THEM POWER. I HEARD ANOTHER WRITER CALL IT WORD OF FAKE. IN MY OPINION THIS FITS IT BETTER!

  24. S.A.M. says:

    You can shout till you’re blue in the face that there is not one verse in the bible to support mandatory tithing after Jesus said: “It is finished as in Paid in full from the cross John 19:30”

    You can scream till you’re red in the face that tithes were paid only with food from agriculture of their Canaan land & the allotment of land God gave the twelve tribes of Israel in the Old Testament.

    You can try to reason with these must pay God robots that the Old Covenant was more than the tithe law but 613 laws total and were given only to Jews not Gentile (none Jews).

    You can show them how Christians were grafted into a New Dispensation and New Covenant of Grace and were never under Old Covenant laws. That the law was fulfilled for us by Jesus and and that Abraham and Jacob were never commanded by God to tithe but were commanded to be circumcised yet Paul the Apostle condemned the Judiazing law keepers who were looking backward to circumcision and other Old Covenant laws for favor from God.

    You can talk all day that our favor rest in the finished work of Christ and his payment on the cross but none of this matters to those bible Illiterates cuz they are following their Pastor and not what the bible actually teaches. They want to believe they have to pay God and are earning their blessing instead of resting in the payment Jesus made on the Cross. Their eyes are closed voluntarily and on purpose but the below bible verses are for people who want the truth:

    2nd Corinthians 9:7 “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

    Romans 3:20 For by works of the law no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law, through the law we become conscious of sin.”

    Roman 6:14 “For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”

    Romans 10:4 “For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes”.

    Acts 20:33 (Apostle Paul Speaking) “I have coveted no ones gold, silver or apparel ”
    Acts 20:34 “You yourselves know I have worked for everything me and my companions needed”.

    Acts 13:39 “through Him everyone who believes is freed from all things, from which you could not be freed through the Law of Moses”.

    Galatians 2:16 “Knowing that a man is not justified by the works of the law, but by the faith of Jesus Christ, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified”.

    Galatians 3:24 “Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us to Christ that we might be justified by faith.”

    Galatians 3:25 ” But after faith is come we are no longer under a schoolmaster”

    John 19:30 “it is finished,” the Greek word is: “Tetelestai” it means the same as: “Paid in full”

    Acts 15:10 ” Now therefore why do you put God to the test by placing upon the neck of the disciples a yoke which neither our fathers nor we have been able to bear?”

    Acts 15:19 “Therefore my judgment is that we should not trouble those of the Gentiles who turn to God”

    Acts 15:24 “Since we have heard that some persons have gone out from us and troubled you with words, unsettling your minds, although we gave them no instructions”, (on keeping the laws of Moses- circumcisions)

    Acts 15:28 “For it has seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us to lay on you no greater burden than these requirements”
    Acts 15:29 “that you abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality. If you keep yourselves from these, you will do well. Farewell.”

    Galatians 2:21 “I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.”

    Galatians 3:1 “O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified.”

    Galatians 3:2 “This is the only thing I want to find out from you: did you receive the Spirit by the works of the Law, or by hearing with faith?”

    Galatians 3:3 “Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?”

    Galatians 3:5 “Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith?”

    Galatians 3:11 “Now it is evident that no one is justified before God by the law, for “The righteous shall live by faith.”

    Galatians 3:12 “However, the Law is not of faith; on the contrary, “HE WHO PRACTICES THEM SHALL LIVE BY THEM.”

    Galatians 3:13 “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the Law, having become a curse for us– for it is written, “CURSED IS EVERYONE WHO HANGS ON A TREE “–

    Galatians 3:14 “so that in Christ Jesus the blessing of Abraham might come to the Gentiles, so that we might receive the promised Spirit through faith” (note: we have the blessing by faith, not works)

    Galatians 5:1 “Stand fast therefore in the liberty with which Christ has made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.”

    Galatians 5:2 “Behold I, Paul, say to you that if you receive circumcision, Christ will be of no benefit to you.”

    Galatians 5:3 “And I testify again to every man who receives circumcision, that he is under obligation to keep the whole Law”.

    Galatians 5:4 “You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace”.

    Galatians 5:18″ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law”.

    Ephesians 2:15 “by ABOLISHING THE LAW of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace”

    Colossians 2 :14 “by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross”.

    Colossians 2:15 “When He had disarmed the rulers and authorities, He made a public display of them, having triumphed over them in it.”
    .
    Hebrews 8:6 ” But as it is, Christ has obtained a ministry that is as much more excellent than the old as the covenant he mediates is better, since it is enacted on better promises.”

    Hebrews 8:7 “For if that first covenant had been faultless, there would have been no occasion sought for a second”.

    Hebrews 8:13″When He said, “A new covenant,” He has made the first obsolete. But whatever is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to disappear”.

    1st Corinthian 15:20 “Jesus is our first fruits”…
    (Unlike in the Old Covenant in the New Covenant Jesus is our first fruits to rise from the dead and never die again).

    John 1:16 “For of his fullness we all received, and grace for grace.”

    John 1: 17 “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ”

    Christians by rejecting the gift of Grace in favor of the tithe law means you are in sin.
    Give to support your Church but don’t call it paying, Jesus already did the paying on the Cross! Pray in his name for free.

  25. S.A.M. says:

    Matthew 23:23 was before Jesus died on the Cross so tithing was still in effect
    When Jesus said Heaven and earth and not one jot or tittle would pass from the law you people stop right there but forget the last part when he said UNTIL ALL HAS BEEN FULFILLED! Jesus fulfilled the whole of the law, what exactly do you think paid in full meant? Notice he did not say eighy percent finished, now you pay the rest. It’s called the gift of GRACE (unearned favor) paid in full by Jesus!

  26. Melissa says:

    Some of you people are talking on here like you have no shame. You are like the pharasees wanting the best seats and the best clothes. Why the hell does anyone need more than one jet? Or so many cars? You need to sale a Jet and a car to give the money to the poor. That is what Jesus told the rich man to do. He told him, “Sale your things and give the money to the poor and you will inherate the kingdom of God.” And don’t forget about Lazarus and the rich man. The rich man is STILL in hell feeling really thirsty. That’s where you can end up! You need to use the money to build a youth shelter or battered women’s shelter. Or open a soup kitchen. Or something that’s JUST for others. If you don’t then Jesus will call you a goat. The goats did NOT feed Jesus or clothe Jesus or give Jesus anything to drink. Goats did nothing for Jesus. Only his sheep did by taking care of eachother. “Whatever you did to the least of these you did it to me.” You need to go ask for forgveness now and repent!

    • Some Old Dude says:

      If I’m not mistaken, they’re making fun of the “preaching for dollars” types… (Dare I name names?)
      You and they agree, I think. They’re just being sarcastic and you’re being more serious.
      Having a moment of fun at the expense of those fake preachers who are only in it for the money… I think…

  27. Some Old Dude says:

    Tithing is a good practice. We do it as an act of love, as an act of faith… but only arguably as an act of obedience. But here is where the argument arises: If we tithe at all, are we required to give it to the local church or are we free in Christ to give it where we feel led?

    Personally, I do not tithe to the local church.

    One: I think a preacher ought to have a job like the rest of us, like Paul worked… never mind whether he’s entitled… it’s just better not to be a moocher or be accused of being a moocher. And I definitely have problems with preachers making more than I do, just to go visit prospective new bank accounts (oops, I mean, prospective new members). Or whatever it is a full timer does all day.

    Two: Too many churches will waste the money on new snooty building projects for the church’s own self glorification; instead of using the money for charity (like feeding the homeless, or building a shelter for them, etc., etc.). I once saw a church advertising it’s new building project: “To better serve you.” Now, how, I pondered, is that serving me in the first place? Let alone better… Besides, God has promised to burn the works of the earth – churches, whorehouses, the shoolhouse and my house alike. Why waste money on a mausoleum for the living dead or on a monument to affluence when He’s promised to burn it? It’s not like it’s “THE Temple.” I am that.

    Three: I’m a big boy. I can go potty all by myself. And I know how to seek the Lord’s will about how best to show charity without someone else telling me. Or telling me I need to just trust the church leadership (people, who if like me, need a savior…hmm). Or asking me if I have a job before I’m welcomed as a member. Or asking for a copy of my tax return…
    My neighbor is disabled, has had a stroke, and is trying to take care of 3 people – besides herself… and yet I’m to give what I have to support the building of a “family life center?” Seems to me the family life center in need of my support lives just across the street.

    Tithing is not evil. It’s what you tithe to that you need to question.

    • Some Old Dude says:

      Thanks for the link!
      I believe that we are free to either tithe or not to tithe. And if we tithe, we are free to choose where and how. “Putting God first” as a slogan to guilt people into tithing is, to me, borderline blasphemous in that what some – some, mind you, but not necessarily all by any means – really mean is “Put the church’s (or the pastor’s) bank account first” or “Put the church’s corporate plans for expansion first.” At least those sorts are honest in calling their “god” what it is, although, I doubt they mean to do that. I heard a preacher once define “giving to God” and “giving to church” as “the same thing.” Not necessarily. And that’s the crawl.

      Some parishoners, congregants, still are in some rebellion against God. That’s their motivation sometimes for not wanting to tithe. Others have a more honest motivation and their eyes are open.

      So i don’t want to judge all churches, or any church by name, or to judge people for their position on tithing.

      In the end, “all things are lawful but not all things are expedient.” And “all things are lawful, but not everything is edifying.” And “I will not be brought under the power of things.” In other words, we are free. “Only use not our freedom to sin.”

      I do give money to church. Afterall, I am using the pews, the chairs, the electricity, the heat/air conditioning. And the church – which ever one – does do some good with the money. Church is not evil. We just must be wise, as Jesus commands us to be. So there is no need for arguing really. Pray, and do as led by God, not as led by ourselves or by others.

      Peace.

  28. mhjones2001 says:

    Sir,

    I copied the material and am posting it on my site again. The contents of the old site is still locked away on my old server, unavailable to me.

    I will also point people back to here if you don’t mind.

    Melvin

    • listen you do need to pay your tithe and offering Jesus said in chapter 23 verse 8 of Hebrews I am the same yesterday today and forever !God is rock steady and his word will not come back void now if its not tithe and there asking for some crazy amount of money then some thing is wrong, but the rent for a church or the mortgage has to be paid and if some body give all they have i know the last pastor in Miami. when people couldn’t pay there rent it would come out of his pocket or the collection my own sister couldn’t come to church he ask me why I told him her car was broken . he went over to my sister house and ask her how much is it going to cost to fix your car she told him 4 hundred dollars he put his hand in his pocket and polled out four hundred dollars and told her see you in church next Sunday and she came ! with her car fixed amen !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he didn’t collect he wouldn’t be able to help any one and he had a full time Job. Jesus said obedience is better then sacrifice I’m an evangelist I don”t get one penny for Preaching the Gospel I do it because I love Jesus and I don’t want any one go to hell if you need supernatural healing just send me a email and God will show UP WITH YOUR SUPERNATURAL MIRACLE PLEASE DON’T CONTACT ME FOR A MILLION DOLLARS DON’T TRY TO PIMP GOD NOW IF YOU NEED A SUPERNATURAL HEALING HES IN THAT BUSINESS just ask and it shall be given my e-mail is soullion9876@hotmail.com well God bless you and my name is Nesto Medina soldier of the lord keeper of the faith !

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