The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation by: Larry J. Brown Jr. aka J-Elijah

Frustrated with Myself.
I did it again.
Like a crack addict addicted to crack,
I am addicted to myself.
Seeking quick fixes.
Temporary highs with devastating lows.
Trying to satisfy the lust of my flesh,
With solo trips,
With solo voyages,
In darkness.
Despite disgust, guilt, shame, condemnation.
Knowing what I’m supposed to do,
Continuing to do what I’m not supposed to
Like Paul in Romans 7.
Justifying my sin because of the lesser consequences than fornication.
Losing my respect for people.
Losing my respect for places.
Doing whatever it takes wherever to fulfill my high.
Masturbation becomes my god.
My idol.
My controller.
My oppressor.
My dirty little secret that keeps me bound.
Why do I feel so out of control?
I’m not sleeping around.
I’m sleeping with myself.
The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation

“God Bless You.”
“I’m Blessed.”
Saying what I need to say to maintain my front.
“Aw, you’re such a good brother.”
Constant compliments from brothers and sisters
Add on to my guilt.
Soon as I get to church I am well greeted.
“Welcome, brother.”
But do you know what I just did.
The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation
I can’t look at my hands.
My hands are so dirty.
No matter how many times I wash my hands,
No matter how much soap I use,
My hands still feel dirty.
Even though I know it’s wrong,
I keep doing the same thing
Over and over and over again.
The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation

Turning on the tv,
Lustful images fill the screen
At 5:00 p.m. in the afternoon.
Turning on the radio,
Enticing lyrics over a hypnotic beat
At 5:00 p.m. in the afternoon.
Man, I’m just all messed up.
The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation

Pornography is masturbation’s best friend.
Exposing myself to what I don’t need to see.
Lying to myself,
Saying I’m just going to watch.
Why can’t I just watch? But I can’t just watch.
The after effects of shame last longer than
The temporary pleasure of the drug of masturbation.
This is Madness. This is Misery.
The pain is outweighing the pleasure.
This is changing me.
Becoming selfish.
Becoming lonesome.
Not wanting to be around people.
Becoming self-consumed.
The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation

God, take this from me.
Confessing this sin of masturbation,
Of lust,
Of sexual immorality.
Asking for your forgiveness,
Receiving your forgiveness.
Conversing with friends about this,
Finding out many friends have the same weakness.
Praying for each other.
Holding each other accountable.
Satisfying my spirit,
Denying my flesh,
Through the word of God,
Stop watching all those crazy music videos.
Guarding my eyes.
Guarding my eyes from what I don’t need to see.
Stop listening to all those lust songs.
Guarding my ears.
Guarding my ears from what I don’t need to hear.
Frustrated with myself.
I did it again.
The Madness, The Misery of Masturbation

No matter how many times I fall,
Through frustration,
Fighting against myself.
Looking to victory.
Looking to determination.
Going through withdrawal.
Rough nights.
Frustrated with myself.
I did it again.
Night sweats. Heart beats fast.
Resisting temptation.

The Lord is blessing me with clean hands.
My hands are clean.
My hands are clean.
My heart is clean.

Looking to victory,
Looking to determination,
Defeating the drug of masturbation.
Madness is replaced with liberty.
Misery is replaced with freedom.

A Cry for My Brothers and My Sisters
Who Struggle with Masturbation

Heavenly Father,
Lord of Hosts,
In the name of Jesus,
We, your sons and your daughters,
Cry to you Lord.
Thank you Jesus.
We bless you Lord.
We praise you Lord.
We turn to you Jesus.
We confess our sin of masturbation,
Of lust,
Of sexual immorality,
Of selfishness.
We repent.
We repent, we turn away from the sin of masturbation.
Lord, we ask for your forgiveness.
We receive your forgiveness.
Lord, create in us clean hearts.
Bless us with clean hands.
Bless us with self control.
Lord, help us to live holy,
Through your word,
Through fasting and prayer,
We bind condemnation in the name of Jesus.
We bind shame in the name of Jesus.
We loose peace in the name of Jesus.
We loose encouragement in the name of Jesus.
We will not be defeated.
We overcome masturbation through Christ.
The Lord is Our Deliverer.
Lord of Hosts, deliver your people.
Deliver your people in the name of Jesus.

Related Posts:

Ten Days Of Sex

Day 1 of Sex : The Master Bait – Masturbation by Dr Ty

Day 2 of Sex : Is it possible to stop being gay?

Day 3 of Sex : Say No to Pornography and Sexual Sin – John Piper

Day 5 of Sex : Homosexual Questions Uncovered | Passion for Christ Movement –

Day 6 of Sex : The Master Bait – Part 3: Overcoming Masturbation

Day 7 of Sex : Battling Pornography and how the gospel conquers it

Day 8 of Sex : The Master Bait – Part 4: Dameco EX-Masturbator Testimony

Day 9 of Sex : What would you say to a man wanting to sleep with his girlfriend?

Day 10 of Sex : Joshua Harris – Don’t Waste Your Sexuality

  1. The_Christian_Perspective says:

    Really highlights the reality of the struggle and why it is a sin. People call it the “lesser sin”, people say its good for keeping away from fornication. But why does it pull many into the shame and guilt, the pornography, the lust? Its a sin and sometimes ppl use it as an excuse to just experience what should be in mariage…not realizing that the fact that they are “experiencing it” is one reason why it is a sin. Its unfortunate that the media and society and other teens acts like its a normal thing…I remember i happened to be watching a particular teen show, Degrassi, and they were trying to show that “a little sex is good”..therefore its ok for us to masturbate or use these dumb sex toys…..oye….the world is always trying to encourage us to satisfy the flesh….we must walk in the Spirit always yes to stay away from this mess.
    God bless you for putting out this message.

  2. RJ says:

    Thank you Thank you Thank you! I didn’t know if anyone would understand what it was to be addicted to this sin and after searching the web thank you Jesus I came across this site and your message hit the nail on the head concerning me. I needed this, I felt like I was fighting a loosing battle. Please keep me in your prayers, I desire to be free from this stronghold. God bless you.

  3. Alan Higgins says:

    Will do RJ. The fact that you desire to be free is a very good sign…even though you may not feel like it especially when you fall but believe me, it is

  4. God's Child. says:

    I have been struggling with masturbation ever since i was about 10. I didn’t know it was wrong until I turned 11. I am now 12 almost 13, and I am still trying to get out and enjoy the life I had, to not always think lustful thoughts. I am so blessed that I found this website. This website has taught me not to keep looking for books or people for answers but look to God. People have will also help me but God will give the answer through the people.

  5. Alan Higgins says:

    I am glad to be of help.

  6. Alistair McKeown says:

    Masturbation……..well i was tormented by the guilt of this for many years fearing that God would never look on me with favour because of my sin and lack of self-control. I am free of this guilt now and truly free only because of the realisation that i am wasting this beautiful God given life by allowing this guilt feeling over something that is not a sin and is not harmful and is not condemned in the bible. There are many so called “forbidden fruit” that lose their hold and desperation for expression when we finally accept that they are not forbidden after all. Masturbation is one of them.

    • Alistair McKeown says:

      Oh yes and seeing that this website honours honesty, openness and truth……….I will be masturbating tonight without any overwhelming lust or guilt and at the same time feeling a great sense of joy in this wonderful life… whatever form it comes to me (pardon the pun).

  7. Alan Higgins says:

    And when you are performing this act, what will you be thinking of?

    • Alistair McKeown says:

      Good question Alan,
      I will be giving more attention to what I am feeling. I am learning to relate to the world and my SELF through my senses which, depending what you choose to believe, were given to us by God and are for our enjoyment. The problem with lust and guilt is that we become stuck in a thought; an idea of what we should or shouldn’t do or think, and usually it is a wrong idea, whether it be an idea of who God is or what lust us. Most people that grow up in a very Christian world view (including me) and also many that don’t, associate lust and sin with anything even marginally related to sex. We say that sex is only good within marriage and even then as long as we don’t lust after our wife or husband (because that would still be the lust of the flesh – as my own brother would say). So finally we become afraid of our desire and label it lust and say that if we continue in this lust we will go to hell. And I am sure that many of your readers can relate to this horrid feeling. The real tragedy has nothing to do with lust or sin or whether or not we go to hell, but that we cannot live life fully because we are always afraid of the consequences. I no longer carry this fear that masturbation will lead me to hell. I am grateful that i had someone wise enough and honest enough to speak to me openly and honestly about this very sensitive subject and now i gratefully feel the pleasure of this act that is not a sin, harms no one and can bring a sense of wellbeing. As another brother of mine (who is wiser than the first one mentioned) has said “there is nothing wrong with masturbation as long as it does not get in the way of your homework” (that one is for you God’s Child).

      • Alistair McKeown says:

        And an after thought……if we were to replace the word “masturbate” with “eat chocolate” we could have the same arguments and discussions that are on this website…..only we would quickly realize how unhelpful, ridiculous, even damaging some of the ideas are about masturbation being a sin. Having said that I can feel concern about any kind of obsession……including chocolate……….

  8. Alan Higgins says:

    Just because our senses were given to God does not mean that are actions are justified. Perfect example is Hitler who thought what he was doing was right. Our senses must be subjected to Gods word which is the FINAL authority. It is not about how you (or I) feeel ultimately but about what God says

    • Alistair McKeown says:

      Tell me Allan…..what does God say about masturbation?

      • Alan Higgins says:

        Well this is the reason I asked you, when you are performing this act, what are you thinking of? What is going through your mind to make you get an orgasm?

        • Alistair McKeown says:

          Alan, I can masturbate without lusting after a woman (or a man for that matter). There are times when I masturbate that I simply focus on what I am feeling. My orgasm happens and it is very much a felt thing and my mind can be quite without thought. This is possible. The first time i ever masturbated was maybe at age 11 and I remember it clearly. I did not know what sex was and and it was something that was a physical and pleasurable act and i was very surprised by my own body and there was no guilt. The first time i felt that something must have been in some way wrong with this was on a school camp and another guy had been caught masturbating and was teased and called a wanker. It was then sometime after this that at a church I first heard the idea that masturbating was a sin and that I should feel shame and guilt. So to say that masturbating and lust are the same thing is like saying hamburgers and gluttony are the same thing.
          Further, If you ask me (which I know you are not Alan) lusting is desire. I am very much in love with a beautiful woman named Sarah and so tonight I will masturbate with Sarah in mind and my lust for her will very much be honoring her beauty.

          • McCoy says:

            There is no such thing as masturbing without lusting after a women, masturbation is in itself embedded lust, which means you have to think about something, imagine a lustful picture you’ve seen and play it back through imagination, there’s a big connection between all this, looking, lusting, imagination, playback of a video or picture you’ve seen that entice your mind are the key ingridents of a masturbator, and you’re for bible scripture that talks about masturbation here is it. 2tim3:1-5 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2For men will be lovers of (themselves), lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, (without self-control), brutal, despisers of good, 4traitors, headstrong, haughty, (lovers of pleasure) rather than lovers of God, 5having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! Masturbation fall amongst million examples of ways at which a man can derive pleasure.

  9. Alan Higgins says:

    The difference with chocolate and masturbation is in and of itself, eating chocolate is not a sin but like anything, anything that is not done in moderation can be a sin

    • Alistair McKeown says:

      I hope I sufficiently answered your previous question about what is happening in my mind to make me have an orgasm when i masturbate. Alan I would also be interested in what is happening in your mind when you masturbate (and what struggles your mind is having in the rest of life).

      Oh and sorry for changing the food analogy from chocolate to hamburgers. I am sure masturbaters who love chocolate will have switched off from our discussion when I changed to hamburgers…….

      • Alan Higgins says:

        Alistair, normally when someone is masturbating, their mind is lusting in one form or another on the opposite sex. We may think that lust is not a big deal and that its OK but Jesus had another view in Matthew 5:28. He said ‘But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.’

        By the way, I am thankful that we can discuss this maturely


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    can you call me +2348139588741

  11. dog fleas says:

    You are exactly right with this blog!!

  12. Anonymoose says:

    I love this poem. Has lightened up some of my darkest times struggling with masturbation, given me some hope. Its nice to hear it treated like an addiction, because that’s what it is, despite what many say. I appreciate your poem 🙂


  13. Brokenvessel says:

    So far, this is the most accurate description of what I underwent, and still undergo. Right now I’m in the deepest pit of pain where I even felt nothing after doing it. Done are the times of everyday struggles, in fact I toned it down to once a week by God’s grace, well that was until now. Yesterday I committed it again after almost a whole week, and I am in the process of healing and waiting for the assurance of my leader, when it hit me like a fast car. This is the worst. I have a leader who’s accountable, who I love, and I’m dragging him down to one of his restless nights. It’s more painful when the harm falls not only on you. Maybe this is why I feel so numb. I’m not sure what would happen to me in my ministries.

  14. Brokenvessel says:


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